Obsessively Compulsively...Nutty

I hear a lot of people use the phrase, "Gah, I am so OCD" fairly frequently. I have two problems with this statement:

1) It's grammatically incorrect. OCD stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. One, therefore, cannot "BE" obsessive compulsive disorder. Perhaps one should say "Gah, I am so OC" in order to be accurate.

2) Not everyone who says this phrase, correct or incorrect, actually is obsessive compulsive. This is where my brother, the Psych major, will clue us in.


A person can have OC tendencies but not necessarily be OC. For instance, you can be like me and prefer that every item on your desk be at a right angle... as in, each piece of paper, every pen, every single thing is, in some way, placed totally straight and at the perfect angle for organization. This preference doesn't make me or others like me OC. Anal, maybe, and incredibly goofy at times, sure. But not OC.

Some people think that it's a sign of OCD if you have a thing with numbers. For instance, the volume control on my radio or television, or the timer on my microwave or oven MUST be in denominations of 2. You will not see my volume scale set at "19" or my microwave time for reheating dinner at "37" seconds. No way. I will go out of my way to change it in someone else's car, even. My mojo gets thrown off if this is wrong. But I'm not sure THIS is a true sign of OCD, either.

See, as I understand it, and as my brother explains it, being truly OC means that, to not do the act/routine in question means you are going to really, really feel the effect of it. You may feel that something really bad is going to happen if you don't perform the ritual. And I don't mean 'bad' as in your day will feel less organized, like the desk papers example above. I mean you feel like total turmoil and destruction will occur if the ritual is not adequately performed.


Though I have definitely not been professionally diagnosed or even evaluated, there is a ritual I perform nightly that, if I fail to do, I firmly believe my family will die come the next day. I've felt this way since I was a small child. I have no idea what sparked this issue... I have only lost a few family members in my life, blessedly, so it's not as if death is something I greatly fear lurking around every corner. No, not at all. I just feel an enormous sense of responsibility to perform this task every. single. night. for at least the last 15 years. If I don't, I can't get over it. I fear, until I "check in" with my immediate family, that they must have expired because I failed to do my routine.


Notice I'm only referring to my habit as "my routine" or "my ritual." It's because I'm embarrassed to reveal it, for fear of judgment. I'd rather not tell on myself too much, but I want to make it known today that I have this...thing about me because, last night, I failed. I failed to perform. I was really tired, distracted, and I fell asleep without performing my nightly family-saving ritual. The reason I am writing is because I feel all sorts of fragile right now. I have already heard from my mother, my brother, of course my husband, and I'm certain my father is okay because I would have heard otherwise by now. But it doesn't matter. I still feel very agitated right now and like I am not going to be able to move on to the next part of my day. But, by posting this, I think I can allow myself to feel better just by showing a little vulnerability.


Call me nutty, call me OC, call me whatever. But I won't feel "right" again until I perform my routine tonight. It's been a while since I last forgot. You'd think that, because things are all good in the hood with my family each time I do forget, I'd "get over" this compulsion, but I am 100% physically, mentally, and emotionally unable to do so. It's a routine I've grown used to over these years and I honestly can't imagine NOT doing it every night, not only for the fear that comes when I don't, but also because it's so much a part of me now and I can't imagine a life without it.


Try not to judge me. ;)